Nice Jokes

LOVE STORY - A BEAUTIFUL ONE!!

2006-07-22T07:17:00.000-07:00

There was a blind girl who used to hate everyone except her Boyfriend........

She always used to say that I would marry you, if i could see!!

Suddenly one day some one donates her eyes.......and then when she sees her Boyfriend......she is astonished to see that her Boyfriend is also blind........

Her boyfriend then asks ...Darling!!!!WILL YOU MARRY ME NOW?

She thinks for a while and says, Sorry!!! But, I can't.........

Her Boyfriend goes away saying....

GOD BLESS YOU DEAR!!!! JUST TAKE CARE OF MY EYES!!

Joke: SOFTWARE ENGINEERS!!

2006-07-22T06:43:00.000-07:00

There was a good old barber in Bangalore. One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies:

I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service. Florist is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a "Thank You" Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A Confectioner goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber he again refuses to take the money. The Confectioner is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is another "Thank you" Card and a dozen Cakes waiting at his door.

A Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber again refuses the money saying that it was a community service.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there......

Scroll down for answer... . . . . . . .. . . . ....

(Believe me it's worth it!!!!!!!!!!)
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A Dozen Software engineers waiting for a free haircut... with Printouts of forwarded mail mentioning about free haircut.

EIGHT GOLDEN RULES!!

2006-07-22T06:36:00.000-07:00

Eight golden rules to approach a woman..

• Make eye contact before you approach: Eye contact can do a lot for you. If she holds your gaze and glances your way every now and then, look at it as a positive sign. However, if she refuses to look at you, your chances are slim.

• Don't express interest in her friends as well as her: Hitting on two women in the same group won't work.

• Make her feel like she's the most desirable woman in the world: It never fails to work.

• Don't avoid complimenting her even if you think she's heard it before: Everyone loves to hear their praise. Make sure you compliment the girl. However, don't over exaggerate or try to flatter her.

• Avoid cliches and pre-packaged pickup lines: Using a cliche will make a woman think that you are trying to hard to get a date with anyone who will fall for your oneliners.

• Don't be too pushy: Even if you do approach a woman in a disco, don't be too pushy. If she is not comfortable giving her number, respect her decision.

• Know when to walk away: Accept rejection and walk away before you end up with a black eye.

Joke: HOW TO LIGHT A CIGARETTE??

2006-07-22T06:21:00.000-07:00

Question: You are in a boat in the middle of a river. You have 2 Cigarettes and have to light any one cigarette. You don't have anything else with you in the boat? How will you do it?

Answer: Take one cigarette and throw it in the water. So the boat will become LIGHTER........using this LIGHTER you can light the other Cigarette.

Another deadly answer.

Scroll down a little...

Another solution: You throw a cigarette up and catch it. Catches win Matches. Using the matches that you win, you can light the cigarette.

If that was not enough, one more deadly answer....

scroll down...

Take water in your hand and drop it drop by drop...(TIP - TIP)"TIP TIP barsa Pani. Pani ne aag lagayee."us aag se hamne cigarette jalayee".

If that was not enough, one more deadly answer....

scroll down..

Start praising one cigarette, The other will get jealous & "jalney lagega"

Searching for me.....I am also searching for the person who sent it to me!!!

HOW TO MAKE A MAN & WOMAN HAPPY??

2006-07-22T05:59:00.000-07:00

How to make a man and woman happy ?

To make a woman happy ..... A man only needs to be:

1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO :

44. Give her compliments regularly
45. Love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. Not stress her out
49. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. Never to forget:
* Birthdays
* Anniversaries
* Arrangements she makes

&

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:

1. Leave him alone

Joke: A LETTER TO GOD

2005-01-30T07:45:00.000-08:00

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker.

He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did. Bobby's mother, wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.
"Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1

Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2

Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you.
Your friend Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

Letter 3

Dear God,
I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.
Bobby

Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.

Letter 4

God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank you,
Bobby

Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him.

Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5

God,
I've kidnapped your mama. If you want to see her again, send the bike!!

Joke: IT'S STARTING TO RAIN

2005-01-23T23:30:00.000-08:00

Two blondes were trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:

Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!

Joke: HE DIED LAST WEEK

2005-01-21T21:58:00.000-08:00

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead. "I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."

The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

"Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

Joke: REST AND PEACE

2005-01-16T11:36:00.000-08:00

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.

Joke: OUTRUNNING A LION

2005-01-10T19:34:00.000-08:00

Two guys on a photo safari in South Africa far from their vehicle or shelter with no means of protection. All of a sudden they realise that a lioness has crept up behind them unexpectedly and that they are in grave danger of being attacked. One of them immediately bends down, whips off his safari boots and dons his trainers. The other says to him "Are you crazy? That's just a waste of time - you'll never outrun a lion." The other replies "I don't have to outrun the lion, I only have to outrun you...."

Joke: MARRIAGE

2005-01-10T19:26:00.000-08:00

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,"Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?'"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

Joke: STUPID QUESTIONS

2005-01-10T19:16:00.000-08:00

10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations and some equally stupid answers:-

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Well,it's so hot, there were no cool cabs so I thought i'd watch some advertisements in the cool comfort of the theatre.

2. In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia..... why don't you try again or should i try this time.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why?Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the "blah blah blah" dish good
Answer:- No, its teribble and made of adulterated cement.We occasionaly also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together.When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question:- Munna,Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating, insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping.
Answer:- No. I was playing cricket for India at Sharjah and just when you called Salim Malik was betting with me that Pakistan would win. What do you think?

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- And while I'm telling you , you tell me if I bite.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke
Answer:- No, it's a miracle... it was a chalk and now it's in flames!!!

SOME QUOTES

2005-01-10T19:05:00.000-08:00

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!"

When there's a will, I want to be in it."

A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience."

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.";

It is always the best policy to speak the truth--unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.";

Traditions are group efforts to keep the unexpected from happening.";

People always call it luck when you've acted more sensibly than they have.";

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?";

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?";

Joke: ARE YOU KIDDING??

2005-01-10T18:49:00.000-08:00

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young applicant fresh out of Business School, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The applicant said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say, a red Corvette?"

The applicant sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Joke: NEVER TRUST INDIAN PARENTS!!!!!

2004-12-30T01:17:00.000-08:00

Divorcing after 45 years an elderly Indian man in Leicester calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough!"

"Pop, what are you talking about?" The son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her!"

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Leicester immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing,DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

"Okay", he says, "They're coming for Diwali and paying their own travel fare." !!!!!

YOU NEED A LAUGH TODAY ?

2004-12-30T01:13:00.000-08:00

1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!

2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10) Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.

11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

13) The trouble with life is there's no background music.

14) God must love stupid people; he made so many.

15) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

16) It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.

17) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

18) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

19) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

20) To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.

21) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up.

22) Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

SOME FACTS ABOUT BOYS & GIRLS..

2004-12-30T01:08:00.000-08:00

If boy laughs, he is MANNERLESS, if girl does so she is JOLLY.

If a boy talks to much, he is CHATTERBOX, if a girl does so she is WITTY.

If boy loves silence, he is DULL, if a girl loves it, she is SERIOUS.

If boy looks at a girl he STARES, if a girl looks at a boy, she gives GLANCE.

If a boy wears a unique dress, he is a JOKER, if a girl does so it's a FASHION.

If boys move together, they form a GANG, if girls do so they form a GROUP.

If a boy initiates a conversation, he is FLIRTING, if girl does so she is INTERESTED.

Joke: STUPID ARGUMENT

2004-12-16T02:16:00.000-08:00

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end, so I just hung up, and I haven't heard back from him. Guess I won that stupid argument.

Joke: WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY

2004-12-06T23:39:00.000-08:00

Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably a present for me.

Forget "Happy Birthday", She didn't even say "Good Morning".

I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember." Children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

I started to the office I was feeling pretty low. As I walked into my office my secretary, Janet,said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said,"You know,it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go change and freshen up"

"Sure," I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And there I sat... on the couch... (almost) naked.

Joke: SMART SOLDIERS

2004-12-05T05:54:00.000-08:00

There were three generals, one Chinese, an Iraqi, and a Turk. They were bragging about how good each of their armies were.

The Chinaman said, "My army would kill themselves for their country!"

Then he put a platoon in a little room and told them, "When this feather hits the floor I want all of you to shoot yourselves!"

He then went outside the room and five seconds later there were numerous gunshots and everyone in the room was dead.

Next came the Turkish General and he said the same thing to one of his platoons. About seven seconds later they heard gunshots and once again everyone was dead.

Finally came the Iraqi and he did the same to his platoon. Several seconds past and there were no gunshots. They decided to wait a little longer. Then several more seconds past and still no gunshots.

Finally they went in and the whole Iraqi platoon was on the floor blowing under the feather to keep it up.

Joke: FUNNY RIDDLE

2004-12-05T05:46:00.000-08:00

Two Polish guys are sitting on a park bench, and a bum comes up to them.

"Hey!!" he bellows, in his hoarse voice. "I got a riddle for you two. What has 2 heads, 4 arms, 4 legs, and stinks like SHIT??"

The Polish guys look at each other, and one of them shrugs, "I give up, what has 2 heads, 4 arms, 4 legs, and stinks like SHIT??"

"You and your friend!!" the bum staggers away chuckling.

The Polish guys look at each other and start laughing. "That was a funny riddle that bum told us", they say, "let's go do it on someone."

Laughing almost hysterically, they see two American guys. They come up to them and smile.

"Hey guys!" they laugh. "We got a riddle for you! What has 2 heads, 4 arms, 4 legs, and stinks like SHIT?"

The American guys shrug, waiting for the answer.

The Polish guys chuckle again, and one of them says as he smirks, "Me and my friend!!!"

Joke: THE LAST DAY

2004-12-05T05:44:00.000-08:00

Santa walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of the strongest thing you've got."

He takes the shot glass and knocks it back. He then asks for another one and knocks that on back, too. After about five or six of these the bartender decides that he's going to cut the guy off.

Bartender says to Santa, "Hey, what's wrong with you? Did you have a fight with your wife or something?"

Santa sighs and says, "Yeah, after the fight she said that she wasn't going to speak to me for a whole month!"

The bartender, puzzled, says, "Well, what's wrong with that?"

Santa replied, "Well today's the last day!"

Joke: SERIOUS THOUGHT

2004-12-05T05:41:00.000-08:00

A young guy and girlfriend were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. . . perhaps it's about time for a kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, honey."

The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Don't you think it's about time you pay me that first penny?", said the guy.

Joke: SUICIDAL SARDAR

2004-11-30T03:43:00.000-08:00

An American, an Italian and a Sardar were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building...

They were eating lunch and the American said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Italian opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Pasta again! If I get pasta one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The Sardar opened his lunch and said, "Paratha and dal again. If I get paratha and daal one more time I'm jumping too."

Next day - The American opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Italian opens his lunch, sees pasta and jumps. The Sardar opens his lunch, sees paratha and daal and jumps to his death also...

At the funeral..... The American's wife is weeping... She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef & cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Italian's wife also weeps and says "I could have given him pizza or lasagna! I didn't realize he hated pasta so much." Everyone turned and stared at the Sardar's wife... "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch!"

Joke: BIG JOHN

2004-11-30T03:28:00.000-08:00

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,And drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops-a few People got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight,Built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He
glared at the Driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically Week? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn'thappy about it. The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a Bus pass."

MISTAKE'S THEORY

2004-11-30T03:23:00.000-08:00

If a barber makes a mistake,It's a new style...

If a driver makes a mistake,It is an accident...

If a doctor makes a mistake,It's an operation...

If a engineer makes a mistake,It is a new venture...

If parents makes a mistake,It is a new generation...

If a politician makes a mistake, It is a new law...

If a scientist makes a mistake,It is an new invention...

If a tailor makes a mistake,It is a new fashion...

If a teacher makes a mistake, It is a new theory...

If our Project Leader makes a mistake, It is our mistake...

If a SoftWare Developer makes a mistake, It is a "MISTAKE" !!!!!

Joke: THE SILENT TREATMENT

2004-11-30T02:45:00.000-08:00

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Joke: SMART MALLU

2004-11-29T00:17:00.000-08:00

A beautiful "Mallu" female( from the heart of Kerala) went for a job interview for the post of a SECRETARY and also said she is good at english. When the manager saw the Mallu's colorful attire, gold, well oiled uncombed jet black hair, his mind was screaming "NOT THIS WOMAN".

Nevertheless, he still had to entertain the Mallu. So he told her "If you could form a sentence using the words that I give you, then maybe I will give you a chance! The words are GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK".

The enthusiastic Mallu lady thought for a while and said :
"I hear the phone GREEN GREEN GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone, I say YELLOW....BLUE'S that? WHITE did you say? Aiye, wrong number....Don't PURPLELY disturb people and don't call BLACK, ok? Thank You."

The Manager fainted........

Joke: POOR SANTA SINGH!!

2004-11-28T04:15:00.000-08:00

Santa Singh was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his friend Banta. As Banta singh stood beside the bed, santa Singh's frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

Banta singh lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Santa used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died. Banta singh thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket.

Several days later, at the funeral, Banta singh was visting Santa's family. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Santa died. "You know," he said, "Santa handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing Santa, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

HUMAN CLONE

2004-10-31T11:43:00.000-08:00

FRIENDS

2004-10-31T11:34:00.000-08:00

PROVE THAT GIRLS ARE EVIL

2004-10-30T13:11:00.000-07:00

Hence Proved!!

2004-10-27T20:22:00.000-07:00

RAKSHABANDHAN.. aisa bhi hota hai!!

Joke: TECH SUPPORT

2004-10-27T19:56:00.000-07:00

"Dell tech support ; how may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
......"Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
......"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
......"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Joke: A HORROR STORY

2004-10-27T10:36:00.000-07:00

This happened near Delhi, and even though it sounds like something out of the X Files or from Alfred Hitchcock.

Presently... it's real !

This guy drives from Delhi to Greater Noida and decides to take the new expressway as he wants to see the scenery. The inevitable happens and when he reaches the ghats his car breaks down and he's stranded miles from nowhere. Having no choice he starts walking on the side of the road, hoping to get a lift to the nearest human habitation. It's dark and raining and pretty soon he's wet and shivering.

The night rolls on and no car goes by, the monsoon rains are so strong he can hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he sees a car coming towards him. It slows and then stops next to him. Without thinking the guy opens the car's door and jumps in. Seated in the back, he leans forward to thank the person who had saved him when he realizes there is nobody behind the wheel !!! Even though there's no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine, the car starts moving slowly.The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve coming. Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for his life.

He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel! The car makes the curve safely and continues on the road to the next bend. The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they are before acurve and moves the steering wheel just enough to get the car around each bend. Finally, the guy sees lights ahead. Gathering his courage he wrenches open the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out and runs as hard as he can towards the lights. It's a small town. Wet and in shock goes to a roadside dhabba, which is open, and asks for a drink.

They find some hooch and give him a shot. And he starts telling whoever is in the dhabba about the horrible experience he's just been through. A silence envelops everybody when they realize the guy isn't drunk, and is really frightened - he's crying and shaking. So they give him more hooch and talk about what they should do, whether to call the police or find a priest, or what.

But just then two guys (Santa & Banta) walk into the dhabba. One says to the other "Look, Banta - that's the guy who got in our car when we were pushing it."

Joke: WHY MEN LIE ??

2004-10-27T10:30:00.000-07:00

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the river bank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez,You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it!!

"WE HONOURABLE MEN !!!!!!" :-)...

Joke: CROCODILE BOOTS

2004-10-20T10:52:00.000-07:00

Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a search is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one . He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims:

"71st and *again* bare feet!"

Joke: PROFESSOR SARDAR

2004-10-20T10:38:00.000-07:00

Sardar Singh was very keen on doing his Ph.D. He was in search of a subject on which no one did any research before! As he was thinking over it, he found a cockroach on the table in front of him. He decided instantly todo a research on the roach.

He picked the roach and put it in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The roach ran.

He pulled out one leg of the roach, put it again in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The roach ran.

He pulled one more leg of the roach, put it again in the centre of the table and said:"Run". The roach ran.

This way the roach tried to run even when it had just one leg. He pulled last leg of the roach, put it again in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The roach could not!

Our Professor was satisfied with his study and started writing his thesis: "When you pull out all the legs of a roach, it cannot hear anymore".

Joke: HOW TO IMPRESS CLIENTS

2004-10-19T12:41:00.000-07:00

Couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.

Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."

"Yes?"

"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi,Ray,'?"

"Sure."

I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.

A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.

"Hi, Ray," he said.

I replied, "F@$% off, Bill, Cant u see that I'm in a meeting."

WHAT YOUR BIRTH MONTH MEANS:

2004-10-15T11:13:00.000-07:00

JANUARY * Ambitious and serious * Loves to teach and be taught * Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses * Likes to criticize * Hardworking and productive * Smart, neat and organized * Sensitive and has deep thoughts * Knows how to make others happy * Quiet unless excited or tensed * Rather reserved * Highly attentive * Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds * Romantic but has difficulties expressing love * Loves children * Homely person * Loyal * Needs to improve social abilities * Easily jealous	FEBRUARY * Abstract thoughts * Loves reality and abstract * Intelligent and clever * Changing personality * Temperamental * Quiet, shy and humble * Low self esteem * Honest and loyal * Determined to reach goals * Loves freedom * Rebellious when restricted * Loves aggressiveness * Too sensitive and easily hurt * Showing anger easily * Dislike unnecessary things * Loves making friends but rarely shows it * Daring and stubborn * Ambitious * Realizing dreams and hopes * Sharp * Loves entertainment and leisure * Romantic on the inside not outside * Superstitious and ludicrous * Spendthrift * Learns to show emotions
MARCH * Attractive personality * Affectionate * Shy and reserved * Secretive * Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic * Loves peace and serenity * Sensitive to others * Loves to serve others * Not easily angered * Trustworthy * Appreciative and returns kindness * Observant and assess others * Revengeful * Loves to dream and fantasize * Loves traveling * Loves attention * Loves home decors * Musically talented * Loves special things * Moody	APRIL * Active and dynamic * Decisive and hateful but tends to regret * Attractive and affectionate to oneself * Strong mentality * Loves attention * Diplomatic * Consoling * Friendly and solves people's problems * Brave and fearless * Adventurous * Loving and caring * Suave and generous * Emotional * Revengeful * Aggressive * Hasty * Good memory * Moving * Motivate oneself and the others * Sickness usually of the head and chest * Easily get too jealous
MAY * Stubborn and hard-hearted * Strong-willed and highly motivated * Sharp thoughts * Easily angered * Attracts others and loves attention * Deep feelings * Beautiful physically and mentally * Firm standpoint * Easily influenced * Needs no motivation * Easily consoled * Systematic (left brain) * Loves to dream * Strong clairvoyance * Understanding * Sickness usually in the ear and neck * Good imagination * Good debating skills * Good physical * Weak breathing * Loves literature and the arts * Loves traveling * Dislike being at home * Restless * Hardworking * High spirited * Spendthrift	JUNE * Thinks far with vision * Easily influenced by kindness * Polite and soft-spoken * Having lots of ideas * Sensitive * Active mind * Hesitating * Tends to delay * Choosy and always wants the best * Temperamental * Funny and humorous * Loves to joke * Good debating skills * Talkative * Daydreamer * Friendly * Knows how to make friends * Abiding * Able to show character * Easily hurt * Prone to getting colds * Loves to dress up * Easily bored * Fussy * Seldom show emotions * Takes time to recover when hurt * Brand conscious * Executive * Stubborn * Those who loves me are enemies * Those who hates me are friends
JULY * Fun to be with * Secretive * Difficult to fathom and to be understood * Quiet unless excited or tensed * Takes pride in oneself * Has reputation * Easily consoled * Honest * Concern about people's feelings * Tactful * Friendly * Approachable * Very emotional * Temperamental and unpredictable * Moody and easily hurt * Witty and sarky * Sentimental * Not revengeful * Forgiving but never forgets * Dislike nonsensical and unnecessary things * Guides others physically and mentally * Sensitive and forms impressions carefully * Caring and loving * Treats others equally * Strong sense of sympathy * Wary and sharp * Judge people through observations * Hardworking	AUGUST * Loves to joke * Attractive * Suave and caring * Brave and fearless * Firm and has leadership qualities * Knows how to console others * Too generous and egoistic * Takes high pride of oneself * Thirsty for praises * Extraordinary spirit * Easily angered * Angry when provoked * Easily jealous * Observant * Careful and cautious * Thinks quickly * Independent thoughts * Loves to lead and to be led * Loves to dream * Talented in the arts, music and defense * Sensitive but not petty * Poor resistance against illnesses * Learns to relax * Hasty and rushy * Romantic * Loving and caring * Loves to make friends
SEPTEMBER * Suave and compromising * Careful, cautious and organized * Likes to point out people's mistakes * Likes to criticize * Quiet but able to talk well * Calm and cool * Kind and sympathetic * Concerned and detailed * Trustworthy, loyal and honest * Does work well * Sensitive * Thinking * Good memory * Clever and knowledgeable * Loves to look for information * Must control oneself when criticizing * Able to motivate oneself * Understanding * Secretive * Loves sports, leisure and traveling * Hardly shows emotions * Tends to bottle up feelings * Choosy especially in relationships * Loves wide things * Systematic	OCTOBER * Loves to chat * Loves those who loves him * Loves to takes things at the centre * Attractive and suave * Inner and physical beauty * Does not lie or pretend * Sympathetic * Treats friends importantly * Always making friends * Easily hurt but recovers easily * Bad tempered * Selfish * Seldom helps unless asked * Daydreamer * Very opinionated * Does not care of what others think * Emotional * Decisive * Strong clairvoyance * Loves to travel, the arts and literature * Soft-spoken, loving and caring * Romantic * Touchy and easily jealous * Concerned * Loves outdoors * Just and fair * Spendthrift and easily influenced * Easily lose confidence
NOVEMBER * Has a lot of ideas * Difficult to fathom * Thinks forward * Unique and brilliant * Extraordinary ideas * Sharp thinking * Fine and strong clairvoyance * Can become good doctors * Careful and cautious * Dynamic in personality * Secretive * Inquisitive * Knows how to dig secrets * Always thinking * Less talkative but amiable * Brave and generous * Patient * Stubborn and hard-hearted * If there is a will, there is a way * Determined * Never give up * Hardly become angry unless provoked * Loves to be alone * Thinks differently from others * Sharp-minded * Motivates oneself * Does not appreciates praises * High-spirited * Well-built and tough * Deep love	DECEMBER * Loyal and generous * Patriotic * Active in games and interactions * Impatient and hasty * Ambitious * Influential in organizations * Fun to be with * Loves to socialize * Loves praises * Loves attention * Loves to be loved * Honest and trustworthy * Not pretending * Short tempered * Changing personality * Not egoistic * Takes high pride in oneself * Hates restrictions * Loves to joke * Good sense of humor * Logical

Joke: THE COWBOY

2004-10-14T06:24:00.000-07:00

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers, which he definitely was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without looking, and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered." Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And you don't want me to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. They knew not to underestimate the word of a Texan, especially one who had a few too many beers.

The man finished off a few more beers and walked outside where his horse had been returned.

He saddled up, and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar, and saw the man stumbling to get on his horse. "Say, partner," he said, "before you go...what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

Joke: THE PARROT

2004-10-14T06:12:00.000-07:00

There was this fellow with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out,the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets *VERY* quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded.

He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Joke: UPPER MANAGEMENT TRAINEE

2004-10-14T05:50:00.000-07:00

A Red Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, come in right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?" The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot some crap, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

Joke: BLONDE JOKE

2004-10-14T05:43:00.000-07:00

A very heavy blonde went to the clinic to lose weight. The Doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days, then skip a day. Come back in four weeks and you will have lost at least 4 pounds.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The Doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now"?

I'm so sore and tired. My muscles ache all over!

Doctor: From not eating?

Blonde: No from skipping!!

Joke: DISORDER IN THE COURT

2004-10-07T10:02:00.000-07:00

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now publishedby court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15th. Q: What year? A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you'veforgotten?

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up thatmorning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began theautopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law some where.

Joke: CHARITY

2004-10-07T09:39:00.000-07:00

A local Charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $50,000,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the Officer mumbled, "Um...no."

"-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confinedto a wheelchair?"

The stricken Officer began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted..

"-or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"

The humiliated Officer, completely beaten, said simply,"I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "-so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Joke: MISCONCEPTIONS

2004-10-03T02:09:00.000-07:00

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste it on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.

Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?

A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual statement and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? Hello..... Cocoa beans... Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel good food around!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie...flour is a veggie! One more thing "When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila."

Joke: KIDS IN GRADE SCHOOL

2004-10-03T01:52:00.000-07:00

TEACHER: Why are you late?
Roland: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
Roland: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."

TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

Joke: OVERTURNED WAGON

2004-09-26T10:56:00.000-07:00

Pappu, Santa's son, accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.

"Hey Pappu!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you," Pappu answered, "but I don't think my father would like me to."

"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," he finally agreed, and added, "But my father won't like it."

After a hearty lunch, Pappu thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know dad is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish !" the farmer said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

Joke: SMARTEST SALESMAN

2004-09-26T10:53:00.000-07:00

Three salesmen were bragging who is the best.

The first said, that he is so good he sold a color television to a blind man.

The second bragged he sold a HI-FI stereo system to a deaf man.

The third said he sold a Cuckoo clock to Banta.

The other two said, so what?

The third salesman added, "Along with the Cuckoo clock, I also sold him fifty kgs of bird seeds!!!!!"

Joke: THE LADIES MAN

2004-09-26T10:49:00.000-07:00

"I'm scared," Banta said to one of his friends. "I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop seeing his wife."

"Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife."

"Easy for you to say."

"You like her that much?" the friend asks.

"It's not that," declared Banta. "He didn't sign his name!"

Joke: BUS CONDUCTOR!!

2004-09-24T12:49:00.000-07:00

Once there was a bus conductor, who was very rude to his passengers.One day a beautiful young girl, of around 18 years, tried to board the bus, but he didn't stop the bus. Unfortunately the beautiful young girl came under the bus and died on the spot. Angry passengers took the conductor to the police station, who in turn took him to the court. The judge was not at all impressed with him and gave him capital punishment. He was taken to the electrocution chamber. There was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. The conductor was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. But to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.

A couple of months later, an elderly gentleman tried to board thebus. This time the conductor, remembering his earlier experiences,stopped the bus. Unfortunately the elderly gentleman slipped and died due to injuries. The conductor was taken to the police station,to the court, and the same judge. Though he hadn't done anything wrong, but considering his past record, the judge decided to set an example and gave him capital punishment. The conductor was again taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him.

This time he died instantly !!!!!!!!!!!

The question is why didn't he die on the first occasion, but died instantly the next time??

Try to solve it yourselves. This is rather interesting and answer is perfectly logical. If necessary read the puzzle once again.

Still you can't, then see below...

think hard

don't give up

kyon tubelight nahin jala kya...

theek hai ab neeche dekh le!

tired....

wanna know the answer

Answer : First time, he was a Bad Conductor, therefore electricity didn't pass through him. But the second time, he was a good conductor, electricity passed through him freely and he died!!!

Ha Ha Ha Ha !!!

Obviously you gotta revise your science chapter on Electricity???

HOW DO YOU PRAY??

2004-09-24T12:30:00.000-07:00

ARIES (3/21-4/19):
"Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW!"

TAURUS (4/20-5/20):
"God, please help me accept CHANGE in my life, but NOT YET."

GEMINI (5/21-6/20):
"Yo God. (Or is it Goddess?).Who are you? What are you? Where are You? How many of you ARE there? I can't figure you out!"

CANCER (6/21-7/22):
"Dear Daddy, I know I shouldn't depend on you so much, but you're the only One I can count on while my security blanket is at the cleaners."

LEO (7/23-8/22):
"Hi Pop! I'll bet you're really proud to have me as your kid!"

VIRGO (8/23-9/22):
"Dear God, please make the world a better place, and don't screw it up like you did the last time."

LIBRA (9/23-10/22):
"Dear God, I know I should make decisions for myself. But, on the other hand, what do YOU think?"

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21):
"Dear God, help me forgive my enemies, even if the basta*ds don't deserve it."

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21):
"OH ALMIGHTY, ALL KNOWING, LL-LOVING, ALL-POWERFUL, OMNIPRESENT, EVERLASTING GOD, IF I'VE ASKED YOU ONCE, I'VE ASKED YOU A THOUSAND TIMES--- HELP ME STOP EXAGGERATING!!!!!!!!!!!"

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19):
"Dear Father, I was going to pray, but I guess I ought to figure things out for myself. Thanks anyway."

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18):
"Hi God! Some say you're a man. Some say you're a woman. I say we're ALL God. So, why pray? Let's have a party!"

PISCES (2/19-3/20):
"Heavenly Father, as I prepare to consume this last fifth of Scotch to drown out my pain and sorrow, may my inebriation be for Thy greater Honor and Glory."

FUNDAMENTALS OF LIFE :

2004-09-21T12:59:00.000-07:00

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How to get PROMOTED??

People who do lots of work...
make lots of mistakes

People who do less work...
make less mistakes

People who do no work...
make no mistakes

People who make no mistakes...
gets promoted

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Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity. - Albert Einstein

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The brain is a wonderful organ.

It starts working the moment you get up in the morning

and does not stop until you get into the office. - Robert Frost

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The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. - Franklin P. Jones

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We must believe in luck.

For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like? - Jean Cocturan

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It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.- Jerry Seinfeld

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It matters not whether you win or lose;

what matters is whether I win or lose. - Darrin Weinberg

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Life is pleasant.

Death is peaceful.

It's the transition that's troublesome."

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Help a man when he is in trouble and

he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

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Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.

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It is not exactly cheating,

I prefer to consider it creative problem solving.

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Behind every successful woman, is a man who is surprised. (no offense ladies!!)

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Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.

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Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

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Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

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Forgive your enemies but remember their names.

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The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Joke: SURPRISE!!!

2004-09-13T13:17:00.000-07:00

It was the end of the school year,& a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers."
"That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

VERY FUNNY!!

2004-09-13T12:41:00.000-07:00

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What are the three fastest ways of communication?

Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.

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Duniya mein bewafaon ki kami nahin hai.

Ab suraj ko hi dekh lo-

Aata hai Usha ke saath,

Rehta hai Kiran ke saath,

Aur jaata hai Sandhya ke saath!

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A mad dog is chasing a sardar. The sardar laughs while running. Know why?

He says mera to Airtel hai phir bhi Hutch ka network follow kar raha hai.

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A for apple. B for bada apple. C for chota apple. D for dusra apple. E for

ek aur apple. F for fokat ka apple. G for gol apple. H for ho gaya na pet

kharab khake itne apple.

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The positive thinking poem.

Little birdy in the sky,

You look up and it shits in your eye.

You don't mind and you don't cry,

You just thank God that cows don't fly.

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Sardar Apni Wife Ke Sath Coffee Shop Gaya, hot Coffee order Ki, Coffee Atte Hi wife Se Bola Jaldi Jaldi pee. Wife Boli Kyu?

Sardar Bola Hot coffe Rs. 5 and Cold Coffee Rs. 10.00

********************************************

Sardarji went to party and introduced his family to his friends.

I am Sardar and this is sardarney, this is my kid and this is my kidney.

********************************************

Sardar 2 Salesman, I Need Pink curtains for my computer.

Salesman Sardarji Computer Doesnt Need Curtains.

Sardarji: Oye i have windows installed.

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What do u call a fat woman waiting?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Moti-vaiting.

********************************************

Sharab Aisi Bimari Hai Jo Pure Samaj Ko Kharab Kar Deit Hai!!

To Aao Milkar Is Bimari Ko Khatam Kare

Ek Bottle Hum Khatam Kare, Aur Ek Bottle Tum!!

********************************************

Nurse: Sardarji Mubarak Ho Aap Papa Ban Gaye!!

Sardar: Meri Wife Ko Mat Bolna Main Usse Surprise Dunga!!

********************************************

Safed Sari Par Tum Lal Bindi Lagati Ho,

Khuda Kasam Ambulance Nazar Aati Ho,

Vo Ghayal Ko Lekar Jati Hai,

Tum Ghayal Kar Jati Ho!!!

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What is the similarity between Mobile &Marriage?

Thode Din Aur Ruk Jata To Thoda Acha Model Mil Jaata!!

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Why does sardarji open his lunch box while Walking on the road?

To Check if he is going to work or Coming Back.

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Aap Kya Jaano Hum aapko Kitna Yaad Karte Hai!

Mano Yaa NA Mano Har Pal Faryad Karte Hai,

Roz Khat Likhte Hai Cartoon Network Ko,

Aur Bas Aapko Hi Dekhne Ki Maang Karte Hai!!!

MATRIMONIAL ADS ........

2004-09-13T12:31:00.000-07:00

A news paper had a humor page with following matrimonial published in it.

BANKER:

Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.

CAR MECHANIC:

Wanted a sturdy wife. Should be in working condition.

Should be above average and must run the household at a good average.

DOCTOR:

Recently a love-bug injected in me a strange bacteria, making me
desirous of marriage.
I'm looking for a girl who is patient and has knowledge of all ills
and pills, is religious minded and keeps away from all sins be it
anasin, metasin or crosin. I promise to be a good doctor with no side
effects.

Apply or reply.

DRUNKER:

Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a soda factory.

I am an occasional alchoholic who drinks only when friends come home.
Friends come home only seven times a week.

Girl preffered will carry me from bar to ghar-bar.

Meet personally or send soda for trial. Sample should be ample.

LAWYER:

I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post
of husband after marriage.

The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl. The girl
should be strictly a girl.

The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and
jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself.

Any objection would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in
confidence and if you have the confidence.

SOFTWARE ENGINEER:

Wanted a Girl with a Lovely Look & Feel, Good GUI with Security
features (privileges only for the Specific User especially critical
Functionalities).

There must not be any Critical or Medium Bug in her. Low Bugs can be
deferred But needs to B fixed by the Next Build.

She Must not be PLATFORM INDEPENDENT, should be USER FRIENDLY.

We are ready to Test the Application & CERTIFY the product but we
will assure it will never be released to ANY OTHER Customer.

GLOBALIZATION!!!

2004-09-13T10:29:00.000-07:00

This is real perspective on the world we live in....... the definition of globalization.

Question : What is the height of globalization?
Answer : Princess Diana's death

Question : How come?
Answer :
An English princess with an
Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a
French tunnel, driving a
German car with a
Dutch engine, driven by a
Belgian who was high on
Scotch whiskey, followed closely by
Italian Paparazzi, on
Japanese motorcycles, treated by an
American doctor, using
Brazilian medicines!
And this is sent to you by a
Lithuanian husband of a Puerto Rican, using software
made by Indians
on Bill Gates' technology, got from the
Japanese. And you are probably reading this on
one of the IBM clones that use
Philippine-made chips, and
Korean made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi
workers in a Singapore plant,
hijacked by Indonesians and finally
sold to you by a Chinese!
That's Globalization!!!

Joke: GOOD WORK!!!

2004-09-13T10:04:00.000-07:00

A policeman was interrogating 3 SARDARS who were training to become
detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows
the first SARDAR a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first SARDAR answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because
he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is
his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture
for 5 seconds at the second SARDAR and asks him,

"This is your suspect,how would you recognize him?"
The second SARDAR smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too
easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of
course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of
his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third
SARDAR and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how
would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The SARDAR looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The
suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't
know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an
interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file
and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in
his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear
contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute
observation?"

scroll down for the answer

------------------

---------------------

"That's easy," the SARDAR replied. "He can't wear regular glasses
because he only has one eye and one ear."

A HEART TOUCHING STORY!!

2004-09-13T09:49:00.001-07:00

this is a nice one...

One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry. He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door. Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it slowly, and then asked, "How much do I owe you?" "You don't owe me anything," she replied. "Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness." He said..... "Then I thank you from my heart." As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit.

Year's later that young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease. Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes. Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room. Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once. He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to the case. After a long struggle, the battle was won.

Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill. She read these words..... "Paid in full with one glass of milk" (Signed) Dr. Howard Kelly. Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: "Thank You, God, that Your love has spread abroad through human hearts and hands."

Now you have two choices. You can send this page on and spread a positive message. Or ignore it and pretend it never touched your heart.

NAMES OF OUR IT ORGANIZATIONS!!!

2004-09-13T09:45:00.000-07:00

What do there names mean!

1. NIIT: Not Interested in IT

2. WIPRO: Weak Input, Poor & Rubbish Output

3. HCL: Hidden Costs & Losses

4. TCS: Totally Confusing Solutions

5. INFOSYS: Inferior Offline Systems

6. HUGHES: Highly Useless Graduates Hired for Eating and Sleeping

7. BAAN: Beggars Association and Nerds

8. IBM: Implicitly Boring Machines

9. SATYAM: Sad and Tired Yelling Away Madly

10. PARAM: Puzzled and Ridiculous Array of Microprocessors

11. C-DOT: Coffee during Office Timings

12. AT&T: All Troubles & Terrible

13. CMC: Coffee, Meals and Comfort

14. DEC: Drifting & Exhausted Computers

15. BFL: Brainwash First and Let them go

16. DELL: Deplorable Equipment & lackluster

17. TISL: Totally Inconsistent Systems Ltd.

18. PSI: Peculiar Symptoms of India

JAANE KYOON??

2004-09-13T09:17:00.000-07:00

Why do people work ? Why do they waste their lives in thankless jobs? Jaane Kyon ? Let's check out- (sung to the tune of 'Jaane Kyon' from Dil Chahta Hai, since u like to listen good music also)!!!!

Here we go...

Jaane Kyon log kaam karte hain
Jaane Kyon woh office mein marte hain
Jaane Kyon Jaane Kyon
Jaane Kyon Jaane Kyon Jaane Kyon
Kaam mein sochiye to bas gum hain
Kaam mein jo zulm ho woh kam hain
Kaam par sar jhukana padta hai
Dukhi hoke bhi muskurana padta hai
Zehar kyon zindagi mein bharte hain
Jaane Kyon log kaam karte hain
Jaane Kyon .......Jaane Kyon
Jaane Kyon Jaane Kyon Jaane Kyon
Kaam bin jeene mein rakha kya hai
Kaam jisko nahin woh kadka hai
Kaam sau ke note laata hai
Kaam hi pet bhar khilata hai
Log mar mar ke kaam karte hain
Jaane kyon khush rehte darte hain
Jaane Kyon.... Jaane Kyon
Jaane Kyon Jaane Kyon Jaane Kyon
Kaam ek badi musibat hai
Kaam har kisi ki zaroorat hai
Kaam pe yeh jhooth hai sachchae
Arre kaam pe sab jhooth hai achchae
Aaage kya khak log badhte hain
Ek hi post par woh sadte hain
Kaam to aise hi sab karte hain
Jaane kyon aap hi bigadte hain
Jaaane Kyoon... Jaane Kyon
Jaane Kyon Jaane Kyon Jaane Kyon

ENJOY...ur work!!

HATE LETTER!!

2004-09-13T09:13:00.000-07:00

Read this "Hate Letter". It is so funny and creative. This is a love letter from a boy to a girl....
However, the girl's father does not like him and want them stop their relationship......and so.. the boy wrote this letter to the girl..he knows that the girl's father will definitely read this letter..

"The great love that I have for you
is gone, and I find my dislike for you
grows every day. When I see you,
I do not even like your face;
the one thing that I want to do is to
look at other girls. I never wanted to
marry you. Our last conversation
was very boring and has not
made me look forward to seeing you again.
You think only of yourself.
If we were married, I know that I would find
life very difficult, and I would have no
pleasure in living with you. I have a heart
to give, but it is not something that
I want to give to you. No one is more
foolish and selfish than you, and you are not
able to care for me and help me.
I sincerely want you to understand that
I speak the truth. You will do me a favor
if you think this is the end. Do not try
to answer this. Your letters are full of
things that do not interest me. You have no
true love for me. Good-bye! Believe me,
I do not care for you. Please do not think that
I am still your boyfriend."

So bad!!

However, Before handing over the letter to the girl,
The boy told the girl to "READ BETWEEN THE LINES"...

Between the lines ? ? Try yourself...

Read the Alternate Lines.. [ 1,3,5 etc... ]

BILL GATES OF MICROSOFT

2004-09-13T08:40:00.000-07:00

(Modified version of dil to pagal hai)

Bill to pagal hain.......
Bill deewana hain.....
Ache bure softwares banvata hain yahi,
hasata he yahi, rulata hain,
usme phir 'bugs' dalta hain wohi,
aur solutions bhi nikalta hain,
bill to pagal hain.......
Bill deewana hain.....

Is bill ki bato mein jo aate hain,
woto oolu ban jatte hain,
software to dusare bhi banate hain,
banake magar kho jate hain,
hmmm bill to pagal hain.......
Bill deewana hain.....

Softwares ko main na pehchanoongi,
working bhi na mein uska janoongi,
microsoft ka logo bass mein dekhoongi,
bill jo kahega wohi manoongi.
Bill to pagal hain.......
Bill deewana hain.....

Bill ka kehna hum sab maane,
bill na kisi ki maane,
uski strategy jaan li hamne,
ek wohi na maane.
Bill to pagal hain.......
Bill deewana hain.....

Chodo ye bill sab kahaniya,
'bugs' ki hain sab nishaniya,
Programmers ki sari pareshaniya,
Iss bill ki hain ye meherbaniya.
Hmmm bill to pagal hain bill deewana hain

Joke: BOND IS BEATEN!!

2004-09-13T08:30:00.000-07:00

Once it so happened in a flight that, James Bond was sitting besides a Telugu guy.. Both were traveling to US..
Telugu Guy : "Hello, May I know ur name please?"
James Bond : "I am Bond.. James Bond."
James Bond: "and you?"
Telugu Guy : "I am Sai... Venkata Sai...Siva Venkata Sai...Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.... Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai... Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai... Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.. Bommiraju Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai.."
James Bond faints.... for once, bond is beaten !!

SOME LAWS!!

2004-09-09T14:21:00.000-07:00

The Law of Common Sense
Never accept a drink from a urologist,
nor a friendly handshake from a proctologist.

The Law of Reality
Never get into fights with ugly people,
they have nothing to lose.

The Law of Avoiding Oversell
When putting cheese in a mousetrap,
always leave room for the mouse.

Law of Physical Displacement
Sometimes you are the dog.
Sometimes you are the hydrant

Legal Rights
Everyone has a right to be stupid.
Some just abuse the privilege.

Law of Probable Dispersal
Whatever hits the fan
will not be evenly distributed.

Law Pertaining to Divorce
Be a good housekeeper. When you leave him...
get a good lawyer... and keep his house.

WONDERFUL DEFINITIONS

2004-09-09T14:15:00.000-07:00

Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.

Divorce : Future tense of marriage.

Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...

Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

Pessimist : A person who says that O is the last letter in RO, Instead 0f the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father : A banker provided by nature.

Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

JULIE AUR SULIE!!

2004-09-09T13:57:00.000-07:00

Julie aur Sulie do ben log rehta hai. Ben log maane judwaa.
Lekin dono main fark bole to solid. Julie ekdum Smart, jhakaas aur
Sulie ekdum halki re.

To kya hota hai maloom Sulie tho bachpan se, woh kya bolte hain
usko..Stubborn ..bole to ekdam jiddi.... rehti hai.

To julie jo bhi maangti hai na...Sulie ko woh maang ta-ich hai.
Julie ko gudiya mili to Sulie ko bhi maangta tha...
Julie ko kangan mila to Sulie ko bhi mangta hai.
Aisa karte karte bees saal guzar gaya.

To na, Julie ka shaadi ekdum karodpati ladka ke saath hota hai.
Aur Sulie ek fatichar funtoosh se shaadi banatha hai.
Shaadi ke baad Julie Fridge leti hai baap.Sulie bhi pati se fridge
maangtihai.Pati bechara garib. Lekin biwi ko khush karne ke waaste woh
Fridge khareed leta hai.Abhi Julie agle mahine Air Conditioner khareed
dalti hai. Sulie bhi jiddkarti hai baap.

Bolti: AC nahin liya to khud ko tapka daloongi. Pati bechara aur
paiseudhaar leta hai aur AC khareed leta hai.
Ab Julie car khareedti hai. Sulie bhi jidd karti hai. Pati ka
dhimaag satak-ta hai lekin phir bhi saala karega kya, pitaji ka
zameen bech dalta hai aur gaadi khareedta hai.

Thode dinon ke baad Julie gaadi bech ke bus khareedti hai.

Sulie jidd karti hai Abhi pati solid bhadakta hai baap. Bolta hai
"Ae item, ab dhimaag ki dahi mat bana..bahut ho gaya tera natak.
Abhi apun tera ek nahin sunega. Apun jaa rahela hai"
To Sulie ko chodke woh chala jaata hai. Sulie lekin apni gaadi
bechkar aur paisa market se uthakar bus khareed leti hai.

To Julie aur Sulie apne apne bus main Ek din picnic ko jaata hai.
Bus ko park karke woh log ghoomne phirne ko jaata hai.

Wapas aake dekhta hai to saala dono bus main steering wheel gaayab,
seat gaayab, gear gaayab...sab kuch ghayab!! Sulie julie ko dekhti
hai aur kuch to bolti hai.

Abhi Ekdum simple koschan: Sulie Julie ko kya bolti hai??

* * Ye tu bhol-na * * * * *

* * * Abe soch...... * * *

* * *la dhimag kaam nahi kar rehla hai? * * *

* * * Haar maan gaya kya??? * * *

* * * Accha chal bolich dalta hoon: * * *

"NA KUCH TERE BUS MAIN JULIE........ NA KUCH MERE BUS
MAIN..."

ae bhidu, apun ko gaali mat de, aur apun ke upar gussa mat hona
kya?
Apun ko bhi kisi ne yeh bhej kar apna bheja kharab kiya hai.

Tere ko lage to tu bhi kisi ko bhej dena.

Joke: STATUE

2004-09-09T13:28:00.000-07:00

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner. Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

Joke: NOT THIS TIME!!!

2004-09-09T13:26:00.000-07:00

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

Joke: THERE'S NOTHING TO CONFESS

2004-09-09T12:33:00.000-07:00

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candle light vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess. "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!" "I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."

Joke: BARTENDER

2004-09-09T12:30:00.000-07:00

A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents," the bartender replied. "Four Cents?",exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."

ONE LINERS!!

2004-09-03T12:50:00.000-07:00

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
the same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
are you sure it's mine?"

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone there has the same DNA.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row, row, row your boat.

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

Joke: TOO FAST !!

2004-09-02T01:50:00.000-07:00

A snail was moving along the beach when he happened to look back behind him and saw three turtles wearing leather jackets.
After moving along for about four weeks, the snail looked back again and saw that the three turtles were still there and closing in on him. So, the snail picked up his pace.
After about six more weeks, the snail looked back again, and saw that the turtles were still chasing him. And they were getting closer and closer! So, he kept on going as fast as he could.
After another few weeks, the turtles finally caught up with the snail and mugged him, took all of his clothes and the keys to his car.
After another couple of weeks, the snail got to a pay phone and called the police. "I`ve been mugged by three turtles wearing leather jackets! You need to get down here and take a report or do something!" he said."
Can you give us a description of the turtles?" asked the police officer."No, I can`t. It all happened too fast!" cried the snail.

Joke: MOTHER-IN-LAW

2004-09-02T01:25:00.000-07:00

A Mother-in-law decides to see if her three son-in-law's love her or at least appreciate her...

The next day while strolling along the river with her first son-in-law, she lets herself fall into the water and starts to drown.

Without hesitation, the son-in-law jumps in the river and saves his mother-in-law.

The next day, in front of his house, he finds a new car, a City Honda, with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your mother-in-law.

She undertakes the same scenario with her second eldest son-in-law. This one too, dives into the river and saves his mother-in-law. The next day, he too, in front of his house, finds a new car: the same City Honda with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your mother-in-law.

The same scenario occurs with the third son-in-law, she falls in the water and starts to drown. He watches his mother-in-law drown while thinking to himself: I've been waiting a long time for this!

The next day, in front of his house, he sees a brand new Mercedez with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your father-in-law.

Joke: DINNER PARTY

2004-09-02T00:58:00.000-07:00

Jayme and Bob have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Bob came home from work saying he'd invited four friends from the office home for dinner on Friday.

Jayme is a bit apprehensive as she asks if she must cook a meal for them all. Bob explains that there will actually be eight coming, as each has a spouse or date. Since this is her first party, he consoles her by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake. This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide what Chinese food to get.

Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six. Hubby says, "why don't you just double the recipe?" She decides that is a good idea.

At four, hubby gets another phone call -- this time quite frantic. "I just can't do it," wifely weeps. "It's impossible."

"Now, now, what's the matter?" "Well, their recipe calls for two eggs..."

"So, you use FOUR eggs. Don't you have them?"

"Yes -- then it needs 4 cups of flour."

"Well," Bob says rather testily, "you will have to use 8 cups of flour -- what is the problem?"

"It isn't the ingredients," Jayme cries, "it says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven and I can't turn the heat up to 700 degrees!"

Joke: REMARRY?

2004-09-02T00:41:00.000-07:00

One night, a husband and wife were having a conversation over dinner:
Wife: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
Husband: Definitely not!
Wife: Why not - don't you like being married?
Husband: Of course I do.
Wife: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Husband: Okay, I'd get married again.
Wife: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
Husband: (makes audible groan)
Wife: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Husband: Where else would we sleep?
Wife: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Husband: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Wife: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Husband: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
Wife: - - - silence - - -
Husband: sh#t.sh#t.sh#t.....

Joke: HUM BHAGWAAN SHIV HAIN!!!

2004-08-24T09:23:00.000-07:00

One day Lord shiva decided to visit the earth and try some alcohol. So he changed his get-up and went to a bar in Bangalore and asked the bartender:
Shiva: "What all do u have".
Bartender: "We have whisky, rum, vodka, gin, beer etc etc."
Lord Shiva: "Let's try whisky first. Give me 5 bottles of whisky".
Afterhaving 5 bottles of whisky, Lord shiva decided to try Rum.
Bartender was shocked: "Who is this man, after having 5 bottles ofwhisky,he is still on his feet".
After having 5 bottles of Rum, Shiva decided to have beer.
After having 40 bottles of beer, he asked the bartender for Gin.
Bartender couldn't stop himself asking him: "Sir, who are you??
I have seen people getting drunk after having 4 glasses of whisky, and you've almosthad 50 bottles and you are still on your feet, who are you"???
Lord Shiva: "VATS, Hum Bhagwaan Shiv hain".

Bartender: AB CHADHI ISKO!!!

Joke: CONFESSION

2004-08-24T09:16:00.000-07:00

A housewife takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Not aware that her 9 year old son hides in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly one day, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company...

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "You sure? My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
-
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together...

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
-
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, son. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. Those things are nowhere near as much as you charged. You need to be taken to church so you can confess such a sin."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest. The little boy sits in the confession booth and closes the door...

Boy: "Dark in here." Priest: "Don't start that shit again.

Joke: KISS

2004-08-24T09:00:00.000-07:00

One night a guy took his girlfriend home. As they were about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood. With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her
"Honey, would you give me a kiss?"
Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
" Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" .
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" .
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" .
"Oh yes you can. Please?" .....................
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl's older sister showed up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she said,
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours....

' ' TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE CALLING BELL ! !

Joke: HAPPY COUPLE

2004-08-24T08:50:00.000-07:00

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town "What a peaceful & loving couple". local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret oftheir long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,"explained the man. "Wevisited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said,'That's twice.' "We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. "I started an angry protest over her treatment of thehorse, when she looked at me, and quietly said,'That's once'." And we lived happily ever after!!

Joke: LALOO VISITS GOD

2004-08-24T08:40:00.000-07:00

Saddam Hussain visits God and asks him:
Saddam Hussain:"God when shall I see the defeat of Bill Clinton?"
God replies:" Son, you will not see it in your lifetime."Hearing this, Saddam Hussain starts crying and goes away.
Gen Parvez Musharaf visits God and asks him:
Musharaf: "God when shall I see the capture of Kashmir by Pakistan?"
God replies: "Son, you will not see it in your lifetime." Hearing this, Musharaf starts crying and goes away.
Laaloo Yadav visits God and asks him:
Laaloo Yadav:"God when shall I see Bihar becominga prosperous and happy state?"Hearing this, God starts crying.
Laaloo is astounded and asks "God, why are you crying ?"
God replies: "Son, I will not see it in my lifetime"

Joke: LALOOS LETTER FROM MSN

2004-08-24T08:38:00.000-07:00

Once Laloo Prasad of Bihar, sent his bio data to America to apply for apostin Microsoft Corporation.A few days later he got this reply :

"Dear Mr. Laloo prasad, You do not meet our requirements. Please do notsend any further correspondence. No phone call shall be entertained.Thanks"

Laloo prasad jumped with joy on receiving this reply. He arranged a partyand when all the guests had come, he said "Bhaiyon aur Behno, aap ko jaankar khushi hogee ki hum amereeca mein naukri mil gayee hoon." Everyone was delighted. Laloo prasad continued......Ab main aap sab ko apnaa appointment letter padkar sunaongaa par letter angreeze main hai isliyen saath-saath hindi main translate bhee karoonga.

Dear Mr. Laloo prasad-----pyare Laloo prasad bhaiyya

You do not meet----aap to miltay hee naheen ho

our requirement----humko to zaroorat hai

Please do not send any furthur correspondance----ab Letter vetter bhej nekakaouno zaroorat nahee.

No phone call ----phoonwa ka bhee zaroorat nahee hai

shall be entertained----bahut khaatir kee jayegi.

Thanks----aapkaa bahut bahut dhanyavad.

SITEMAP

2004-08-01T06:06:00.000-07:00

STUPID ARGUMENT

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them....

WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY

Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably a present for me......

SMART SOLDIERS

There were three generals, one Chinese, an Iraqi, and a Turk. They were bragging about how good each of their armies were. The Chinaman said, "My army would kill themselves for their country!"....

FUNNY RIDDLE

Two Polish guys are sitting on a park bench, and a bum comes up to them. "Hey!!" he bellows, in his hoarse voice. "I got a riddle for you two. What has 2 heads, 4 arms, 4 legs, and stinks like SHIT??"....

THE LAST DAY

Santa walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of the strongest thing you've got." He takes the shot glass and knocks it back. He then asks for another one and knocks that on back, too....

SERIOUS THOUGHT

A young guy and girlfriend were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts."....

SUICIDAL SARDAR

An American, an Italian and a Sardar were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building... They were eating lunch and the American said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."...

BIG JOHN

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,And drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops-a few People got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on....

MISTAKE'S THEORY

If a barber makes a mistake,It's a new style... If a driver makes a mistake, It is an accident.....

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.....

SMART MALLU

A beautiful "Mallu" female( from the heart of Kerala) went for a job interview for the post of a SECRETARY and also said she is good at english. When the manager saw the Mallu's colorful attire, gold, well oiled uncombed jet black hair, his mind was screaming "NOT THIS WOMAN".....

POOR SANTA SINGH!!

Santa Singh was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his friend Banta. As Banta singh stood beside the bed, santa Singh's frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on....

HUMAN CLONE

FRIENDS

PROVE THAT GIRLS ARE EVIL

RAKSHABANDHAN

TECH SUPPORT

"Dell tech support ; how may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared."....

A HORROR STORY

This happened near Delhi, and even though it sounds like something out of the X Files or from Alfred Hitchcock. Presently... it's real ! This guy drives from Delhi to Greater Noida and decides to take the new expressway as he wants to see the scenery.....

WHY MEN LIE ??

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.....

CROCODILE BOOTS

Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears....

PROFESSOR SARDAR

Sardar Singh was very keen on doing his Ph.D. He was in search of a subject on which no one did any research before! As he was thinking over it, he found a cockroach on the table in front of him. He decided instantly todo a research on the roach.....

HOW TO IMPRESS CLIENTS

Couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late....

WHAT YOUR BIRTH MONTH MEANS:

JANUARY * Ambitious and serious * Loves to teach and be taught * Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses......

THE COWBOY

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers, which he definitely was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse stolen......

THE PARROT

There was this fellow with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.....

UPPER MANAGEMENT TRAINEE

A Red Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, come in right up.".......

BLONDE JOKE

A very heavy blonde went to the clinic to lose weight. The Doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days, then skip a day. Come back in four weeks and you will have lost at least 4 pounds....

DISORDER IN THE COURT

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now publishedby court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place....

CHARITY

A local Charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.....

MISCONCEPTIONS

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste it on exercise. Everything wears out eventually....

KIDS IN GRADE SCHOOL

TEACHER: Why are you late? Roland: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? Roland: The one that says, "School ahead, Go Slow.".....

OVERTURNED WAGON

Pappu, Santa's son, accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Pappu!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."......

SMARTEST SALESMAN

Three salesmen were bragging who is the best. The first said, that he is so good he sold a color television to a blind man....

THE LADIES MAN

"I'm scared," Banta said to one of his friends. "I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop seeing his wife." "Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll have to stop seeing
his wife.".....

BUS CONDUCTOR!!

Once there was a bus conductor, who was very rude to his passengers.One day a beautiful young girl, of around 18 years, tried to board the bus, but he didn't stop the bus. Unfortunately the beautiful young girl came under the bus and died on the spot.....

HOW DO YOU PRAY??

ARIES (3/21-4/19): "Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW!"......

FUNDAMENTALS OF LIFE :

How to get PROMOTED?? People who do lots of work... make lots of mistakes People who do less work... make less mistakes......

SURPRISE!!!

It was the end of the school year,& a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers."......

VERY FUNNY!!

What are the three fastest ways of communication? Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.....

MATRIMONIAL ADS ........

A news paper had a humor page with following matrimonial published in it. BANKER: Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.....

GLOBALIZATION!!!

This is real perspective on the world we live in....... the definition of globalization. Question : What is the height of globalization? Answer : Princess Diana's death....

GOOD WORK!!!

A policeman was interrogating 3 SARDARS who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first SARDAR a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it....

A HEART TOUCHING STORY!!

this is a nice one... One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry.....

NAMES OF OUR IT ORGANIZATIONS!!!

What do there names mean! 1. NIIT: Not Interested in IT 2. WIPRO: Weak Input, Poor & Rubbish Output......

JAANE KYOON??

Why do people work ? Why do they waste their lives in thankless jobs? Jaane Kyon? Let's check out- (sung to the tune of 'Jaane Kyon' from Dil Chahta Hai, since u like to listen good music also)!!!!......

HATE LETTER!!

Read this "Hate Letter". It is so funny and creative. This is a love letter from a boy to a girl.... However, the girl's father does not like him and want them stop their relationship... and so.. the boy wrote this letter to the girl..he knows that the girl's father will definitely read this letter.....

BILL GATES OF MICROSOFT

(Modified version of dil to pagal hai) Bill to pagal hain....... Bill deewana hain..... Ache bure softwares banvata hain yahi, hasata he yahi, rulata hain,......

BOND IS BEATEN!!

Once it so happened in a flight that, James Bond was sitting besides a Telugu guy.. Both were traveling to US.. Telugu Guy : "Hello, May I know ur name please?" James Bond : "I am Bond.. James Bond." James Bond: "and you?" .....

SOME LAWS!!

The Law of Common Sense: Never accept a drink from a urologist, nor a friendly handshake from a proctologist......

WONDERFUL DEFINITIONS

Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other. Divorce : Future tense of marriage.....

JULIE AUR SULIE!!

Julie aur Sulie do ben log rehta hai. Ben log maane judwaa. Lekin dono main fark bole to solid. Julie ekdum Smart, jhakaas aur Sulie ekdum halki re....

STATUE

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner. Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder....

NOT THIS TIME!!!

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.....

THERE'S NOTHING TO CONFESS

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candle light vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber....

BARTENDER

A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"....

ONE LINERS!!

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife....

TOO FAST !!

A snail was moving along the beach when he happened to look back behind him and saw three turtles wearing leather jackets....

MOTHER-IN-LAW

A Mother-in-law decides to see if her three son-in-law's love her or at least appreciate her... The next day while strolling along the river with her first son-in-law, she lets herself fall into the water and starts to drown.....

DINNER PARTY

Jayme and Bob have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Bob came home from work saying he'd invited four friends from the office home for dinner on Friday......

REMARRY?

One night, a husband and wife were having a conversation over dinner: Wife: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? Husband: Definitely not!......

HUM BHAGWAAN SHIV HAIN!!!

One day Lord shiva decided to visit the earth and try some alcohol. So he changed his get-up and went to a bar in Bangalore and asked the bartender: Shiva: "What all do u have"......

CONFESSION

A housewife takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Not aware that her 9 year old son hides in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly one day, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.....

KISS

One night a guy took his girlfriend home. As they were about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood. With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her....

HAPPY COUPLE

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town "What a peaceful & loving couple". local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret oftheir long and happy marriage....

LALOO VISITS GOD

Saddam Hussain visits God and asks him: Saddam Hussain:"God when shall I see the defeat of Bill Clinton?" God replies:" Son, you will not see it in your lifetime.....

LALOOS LETTER FROM MSN

Once Laloo Prasad of Bihar, sent his bio data to America to apply for a post in Microsoft Corporation.A few days later he got this reply : "Dear Mr. Laloo prasad, You do not meet our requirements.....

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2004-07-31T12:38:00.000-07:00

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2004-07-31T12:31:00.000-07:00

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